18 juin 2009
Self-centered narcissistic blahblah
Someone just rang the door bell, and it was a UPS delivery guy.
I knew what was in the box.
TWO NEW DICKS I BOUGHT FOR MY BOYFRIEND'S BIRTHDAY !
One pink (to replace the old one who was tired), one black.
They're so beautiful !
Mr Bendy, also known as Silky, is exactly the right size for me, and
incredibly soft. It's a pack&play, or hardpack, which means you can
both use it for penetrative sex and as a packer. It's also perfect for oral sex, and especially deep throat. I LOVE IT !
I've been wondering about my life, and I haven't been so well. I've
been taking anxiety medication and considering maybe going into
psychoanalysis.
But then that raises many questions, like will shrinks ever tell you
anything else than what they learnt in books written by a straight white
man strongly influenced by judeo-christian mentality and full of
heteronormative and misogynistic/homophobic prejudices (either Freud,
Jung or Lacan) ? how can I find a shrink who is BDSM-friendly,
queer-friendly, polyamory-friendly AND sexwork-friendly in this city ?
Anyway. I need to find a way out of my codependance issues, my
affective neediness and insecurity, and other problems. I have started
to take some steps towards taking better care of myself, and not
indulging too much in parts of me that hurt me and others. Strategies when I feel anxiety coming, to make it less hard on me and others. I'm quite
proud that I'm so strong and that I'm still able to be happy after all this time.
My relationship is getting better too, and that also makes me feel better. What
makes me feel really good is how much thought we give to it, how hard we
try to find better ways of communicating, etc - and how successful it's
been these days. I have a great partner. I love talking about a lot of things with him, politics and TV-series and our friends and sex and our relationship and parties and how my day went and how I love him and just anything. It feels good to be doing something else than fighting or having sex - not that I mind the sex. This morning's quickie before you went to work... Breathtaking.
The summer, and my therefore outrageously sexy outfits, seem to make
guys think they have a right to talk to me, comment on how I look, or
even grab me and grope me, when I'm walking in the streets.
Yesterday I was literally harassed by men in the streets - stared at,
"complimented", whistled at, approached, physically threatened, and,
yes, grabbed and groped.
On a night like that one, no matter how many times you assault me, I'll
fight back, I'll chase you on my high heels, screaming "what makes you
think you have a right to touch me ?", I'll stride the streets and feel
fierce and powerful, I won't lower my eyes when I pass you by, and I
won't stop wearing what I want to wear and going out late
at night on my own in so-called dangerous areas.
Maybe the fact that I was feeling better and more open to others, has
something to do with how many times they tried to make me feel that I was there for them to see and that they owned me. I had been such a socialite at the burlesque
party and I had felt so happy to be around people. And then maybe when I left the party I forgot to protect myself from the outside world, I was just euphoric and smily, and the guys thought it was sexual seduction aimed at them, which it was not. I am vulnerable, and I don't want to harden, I don't want to wear an armour. I want to let you reach me, I want to let your bullets pierce through my skin. That's the only way I can make your love pierce through it too. If my skin gets thick and tough, nothing will get in me anymore.
So I am like a Christian martyr, trusting them forever, giving them still another chance not to disappoint me. Always answering them when they ask for directions, a lighter, a cigarette, even if it might just be an excuse to talk to me and then become annoying. Always with a bright smile and as much charity as I can. Always offering help even when I'm not asked anything. Cheerful, warm, open. I know some of them are bad, and it will hurt all the more that I had decided to trust them and give them the opportunity of showing me they're good. If they abuse my trust, if they decide to hurt me although they knew I wasn't defiant - I was as trustful as a child - it will damage me. But if they prove me right, if they see me being so good and naive and open and don't take advantage of it, it will make me all the more thankful, it will give me more strength to keep believing in people and loving them and having this cheesy Christian humanism. [Where the fuck did I get that from ? please don't believe I'm writing all of this without distance and irony. I'm obviously aware that it is weird, fucked up, laughable, simplistic, childish, manichean. However it's also how I know myself to think sometimes]
This is also, I think, what is at stake in the emotions I feel in BDSM.
I give you all the power. To me it's not a scene, not a game, it's not play. I don't act. I get into a space, a space of weakness and
trust, which is a part of me, not a character. I put myself in a position where I'd let you rape or kill me - and you don't. I give you power to abuse me and you use it for my pleasure, not just yours - although you know I'm so submissive at that moment I might not even resent you abusing me. And that, giving up all the control, giving you so much of myself, giving you power to hurt me, and knowing you will only use it with love and respect : that is what makes me so incredibly thankful after a BDSM scene. That is what brings me so close to tears during aftercare. I love you for not hurting me, for how good you are to me. For how you let me be an open, trusting, innocent, vulnerable, welcoming person, without punishing me or abusing me.
It's always seemed such a horrible thing to me, how good people become hard and bad because there is this social pressure, this norm of defiance and distrust and selfishness. Kind people are always punished for being kind and they're either killed, or made to harden. Kindness is regarded as weakness, trust as naiveness.
I like to hitchhike, I like to ask strangers a favor, I like to give people the possibility to reject me, so that they also have a possibility to accept me. I like to give people an opportunity to show the best that they have.
Ok this was written all in one piece and I didn't re-read it or try to make it consistent and understandable and well-written - like almost everything I write here, by the way. I had an appointment with the shrink, I didn't go. I wrote this instead. It's some sort of a confession, not an argumentative well-thought-of, well-worked-on, logically-structured text - so don't read it or criticize it as such.
My wisdom teeth are growing and it HURTS !
In less than a month, I'm going on a European tour with several other girls. We'll perform in Berlin, Brussels, Paris, Copenhagen, Stockholm... I'm excited and scared at the same time.
And in August I'll be in San Francisco !
There are so many things I want to write about on this blog. Interesting, theoretical, political things.
And instead I find myself talking about my life. Oh well, it's fine too.
Alright. That's all for now.
Commentaires
Might have something to do with the fact that I now have a link on indienudes ...
te quiero baby
wow, your words on power, trust and kindness are spot on! THX so much for sharing!! means a lot to me..
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